trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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