I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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