now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
