THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
