The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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