Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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