i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Randomize
