You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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