He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Of course I have a pirate flag
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
