I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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