i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
