Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
