Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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