She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
