My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
