??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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