don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Randomize
