I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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