In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
