he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
