if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
