Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
