So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
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His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
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I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
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