i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Randomize
