Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
