He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
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Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
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I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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