They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
