I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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