Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
