is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Let's get the cat blown out
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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