dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
