My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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