I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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