I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
