He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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