It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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