my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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