When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
