I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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