I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
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I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Terrible idea I love it
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Why are your pants in the freezer?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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