So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
