Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Randomize
