my soul wont recognize me after tonight
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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