Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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