I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
