i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
