I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
