I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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