The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Quick, to the slutcave!
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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