I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
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