we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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