Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
