I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
