did you get engaged???
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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