put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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