so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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