I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
