I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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